what are friends for?

mood : sticky
music : the suicide circus - the GazettE

konnichiwa minna. lame tak ber-blog ne? sebabnye beta sangat sibuk sekarang. sibuk mencari duit. tapi bukan itu yang beta ingin sampaikan di entry ini.

now officially, i am on hiatus mode. all my social network accounts. include this blog lah. la ni i dah tak dak masa nak online sangat. tapi bukan ini perkara yang i nak sampaikan sebenarnye.

i actually nak tau maksud sebenar "KAWAN".

ape itu kawan sebenarnye? seseorang yang boleh kita harapkan di masa kita dalam kesusahan? seseorang yang boleh kita share kegembiraan?

hmm... i don't see that in my life. seriously. no. up until now i don't know sape yang boleh i labelkan sebagai kawan. friends are forever but i can count with less than FIVE fingers sape yang i boleh kate my friends. and sape yang i can give my trust. the percentage is less than 1%.

yeah... no one in this world i can considered them as friends when they don't even take me as their own. i'm just someone they know. or knew. and so they'll be just someone i KNEW.

dakara... what a friends for?

mood : okay... i think.
music : screw radio 120419 with kazuki (screw), riuki (velbet) & aoi (the gazette)


kombanwa minna.
ne... lame juga beta tidak mencemar duli di sini. bagaimanakah rakyat beta semua? sihat belaka? Alhamudulillah.

hmm... many things happen to me lately. i bukan tak mo menulis kat sini. just things has become so mixed up, i don't know how to face it.

okay! memule skali, i akan benti keje. YE. BERHENTI KERJA. akhirnya. AKHIRNYA! i dapat keje baru lah. starts this may. kat ne? doko? doko? fufufu~ kat UNIQLO. u ols tau tak ape kebende nye Uniqlo nih? haaa... clothing brand yang membawa tag line, " FROM TOKYO TO KUALA LUMPUR " if u ols perasan lah! position yang i dapat is retail associates. to me, that position is like buat sales lah. but i took it. why? naze? sebab i nak tau camne keje sales. mase interview aritu, the person in charge tu cakap, uniqlo tak same cam brand lain. even work environment pon lain. okay. i nak tengok camne nanti. Uniqlo is one Japanese clothing brand yang sedang berkembang kat mesia nih. so far ade 3 store kat area klang valey, One Utama, Fahrenheit 88 ngan KLCC. soon to be open kat Mid Valley. yesterday i round mid jap ade jumpe store yang soon-to-be-open tu. actually, i memang tak jangke akan diterima bekerja kat Uniqlo based on that interview. Interview tu pon i rase cam sempoi habis pastu dengan i yang tak berapa ready and prepared nye terus interview. tu pon buat mase i ngan ai chan pegi jobstreet career fair. ehhhhhh~~~ matte matte!! AI CHAN?!?! ne! desho ne! ai chan is my new friend! she is someone who understood myself so well.we met at tumblr. and we been so cliqued ever since. dah twice kitorang jumpe. and we shared same dream. JAPAN. kitorang bercadang untuk moved to Japan after this. tadi i tengok tv apsal life Yuna kat L.A. to me, she's very inspiring. she's willing to sacrifice and leave her family back in malaysia to full fill her dream and ambition as professional musician. so now, i'm so inspired to make my dreams come true. and that is living in japan and open my own shop there. why there? i'll tell you later. but lately, i had an emotional roller coaster. to the part i was thinking erm... maybe u ols akan kate, "what the FUCK?!" but yeah... i do think about it, most of the time... the deadly thoughts. or should i say, suicidal thoughts. fyi, tak sume yang i gambarkan tentang diri i kat blog nih adelah diri i yang sepenuhnye. ade certain part of myself yang u ols tak tau. but lau u ols nak tau more, leh ke tumblr blog i. click jek tumblr link 2. tu personal blog i yang kedua. tapi lately i banyak membuang mase kat situ. okay, enough about that. sambung pasal uniqlo tadi. sou... memang i tak sangka akan dapat. i ade drop banyak CV i kat employers yang i rase ade potensi untuk hire i. and lepas career fair tu memangi ade dapat few offers. salah satu yang membuatkan i amat sukar buat keputusan untuk memilih offers yang di-offer-kan pada i ialah from DNP Clothing. the position offered was fashion coordinator. sounds interesting right? but they said that the job scope almost as retail associates. it's field work (meaning not in the office) ne minna, dua company ni (DNP & Uniqlo) adelah joint ventured companies. but in the end i choose Uniqlo sebab first, it's basically a Japanese company. second, i memang gila everything about Japan. third, i memang tak tau nape i tetap pilih uniqlo. cam there's something about this company yang membuatkan i sangat curious and ntah lah... susah yang explain. even ai chan cakap yang i nih suke giler kat uniqlo. maybe... fufufu~ the truth is, i tak penah pon shopping kat uniqlo. i penah skali jek pegi store dia kat Fahrenheit 88. baju-baju dia sume lawa-lawa belaka cume... fulusnye i yang tak berapa nak ade... price diorang not bad gak. hmm... adelah on that one point, i rase cam drastic sangat perubahan yang i nak buat and i fikir yang betul ke ape yang i buat nih? i akan benti keje and keje kat tempat baru. two years keje kat firm tu memang banyak benda i gained but one thing is... i tak boleh dah nak duduk kat firm tu. keje yang i buat tu memang out of my field and sampai sekarang, i dah lupe banyak benda pasal fashion sebab i tak de mase nak wat benda yang fashion-related. pastu i started thinking... the longer i stay here... the more i become oblivious about what i used to loved. and i want to go back to the path i should be long time a go. i tak nak all the sweat, money and everything i learned kat poli dulu going to waste anymore. tu pasal lah bila Uniqlo called me, i terus teruja and terima offer tu. i fikir, tak kisah lah retail associates pon asalkan it had to do with fashion. and i pikir actually retail had to do with fashion. maybe i akan belajar selok belok perniagaan, how to interact with customers, how to boost sales. sebab i cite cite i nak bukak boutique sendiri and this might be crucial. pastu tak sangka pulak lepas i dapat call dari Uniqlo, few more offers comes to me. one of it is DNP lah. about other offers. tak yah la citer. i nak bagitau yang penting-penting jek.

second thing. erm.. pe yek? lupe dah i... oh, tonight ade alice nine channel (click here to watch but please register before hand, onegaishimasu). dan beta, telah berjaya menambat hati ai chan untuk meminati alice nine. too bad she said gazetto wasn't her cup of tea but maybe i can slowly convert her to like gazetto. fufufufu~~ actually, memang i dah lupe ape yang i nak cakap. maybe lepas nih i ingat balek, i post lah.

okay?
okay!

oh, kat atas i tulis music : screw radio kan? tu i dl dari link yang telah dibagi kepada i kat twitter. so thanks to the person yang mengupload the radio show tu. kat tengah-tengah radio show tu banyak beep. and paham-paham jek lah ye... three man, gathered... what else comes in mind, right? as far as i know, kazuki-kun and aoi-san tu memang agak horny sikit orang nye... o~kay~ maybe banyak... i don't know much about riuki so... yeah...

hmm.. there's lots more to tell but i had no idea how to say it here. see you guys in next post, ne!!

jya~~ mata ne!

reminescing the old times. how i felt so closed to him.

Mood : start to be emo.
Music : the GazettE - PLEDGE great. just the right song.

yoi minna~
just now like couple of hours ago he tweeted something i never thought he would.
his tweeted his pic with taka. now, who the hell is taka? taka is my other baby i simply wanna keep in my pocket from One OK Rock. yes. that cute perm-haired guy. he's a year younger than me and i love his tattoos
i know he been listening to One OK Rock. i even blurt that out to him and frequently asked him to sing "WHEREVER YOU ARE" for me.
actually, i had this feelings that he actually read my tweets.
i told him about so many stuff. the mcr thing, one ok rock thing. a lot more.
when he tweeted that pic, i was so fucking shocked! i don't know why but the hell i am!
one of my dreams is to watch japanese bands live and that's included One OK Rock as well.
but he's a celeb. he can see exactly anyone without spending a penny for a show ticket. in fact, he can see them directly. like how he went to see taka. HE WENT TO SEE TAKA. HE WENT TO SEE TAKA. YOU MAKE ME WANNA DIE. you're not seeing double. i did repeat the sentence.
i am not hating him. i don't know how to describe my feelings about him. sometimes i just kept thinking about him. like what he's doing right now. haven't he eat. stuff like that. sometimes i feel like i hate him so much i just wanna make him disappeared. but most of the time i just felt so longing to him. i wanted to talk to him but i kept remembering the very last tweet i gave to him " さようなら "
but before that, long time a go, i tweeted this pic to him »

 
i know it's silly. i love doing silly stuff. but i tweeted this pic to him saying that "you look exactly like taka with that hair and i love it" and these two boys reminds me of Momo of manga Kimi Wa Petto.
now i feel so baka. LIKE FUCKING SHIT BAKA.
i think i need to sleep. besides, i'm going bck to KL tomorrow. my bus is at 1100h. i need to wake up early.
jaa~ mata ne. besides i need my second dose of panadol soluble now. i hope my cold wont get serious.
Oyasuminasai~

dem postman. you're just as dem as bullshit.

Mood : frustrated and angry!

Music : the GazettE - Kantou Gogeza Kumiai

ano... i;m back!

and i just had to let this out of ma system!

that damn fakku postman.

you are an ASSHOLE you hear me?

yesterday i got a parcel collecting card stuffed into my postbox.

and guess what?

that dem postman seems to think i wasn't at home.

what the fakku?

i was at home the whole day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i saw that asshole postman went out front the postbox swaying around with no parcel with him.

and for you info, he didn't even makes effort to climb those dem stairs and hand-delivered my stuff.

he's a total asshole and this is just bullshit.

dude, you don't have to be a postman if that's how you work. jerk.

i had this HUGE feelings that the parcel is my SHOXX mag i ordered few weeks back.

what a asdfghjkljkl fakku!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now i'm loathing the postman. that particular guy to be exact.

ne.. papa!! how him what you got!!

nangeh lagik...

Mood : okie kot tengah breakfast

Music : the GazettE - PLEDGE

i'm a crybaby.

yep.

tak dapat disangkal.

yesterday malam i dok bace manga "akuma de sourou" yang dah ntah ke berape kali i bace.

and dah ntah ke berape kali i nangis bace manga nih.

storyline dia memang menyentap woo...

rasenye lagi best dari muvie ombak rindu yang tengah heboh skung nih.

ape kelas muvie melayu... chait!

and bile dia dah menyentap, sekali gus i MESTI cam wajib ingat kat mamat tuh.

dan secara automatiknye i akan teruskan nangis i sebab teringatkan mamat tuh.

urgghhh!!! i hated it!!!

i memang tersangat-sangat benci bile jadik camnih!!!

lee hong ki ko memang dasar jantan!!! grrr!!!!

i memang jenis senang nangis. uols nangis depan i and i akan follow.

i nih a very sensitive person.

hati kaca tau~ puh-leezz!

k. tu jek.

nak emo lagik... WORK PULAKS!

Mood: bercampur-baur

Music: the GazettE - LEECH

hmm...

ari yang tak bape nak best..

and i dapat rasekan yang hari-hari mendatang jugak akan tak best...

so i got warn ala-ala perli from ma boss.

ok.. 

people make mistakes.

tu dah memang lumrah.

so do i. so I MADE MISTAKES. SO WHAT?

ok, i tau memang salah i sebab terlampau ikutkan emo i sampai i make that far.king mistakes.

but benda dah jadik... i tak leh nak wat pa dah...

alah, macam lah kau pon tak wat mistake...

jangan ingat kau lawyer kau tu perfect sangat.

nobody's perfect.  

i tau lah i nih cepat terpengaruh...

so i terpengaruh ngan internet.

dia cakap i dok sibuk main yang bawah meja.

HELLO...

I TAK MAIN BAWAH MEJA OKAY.

INTERNET DAH ADE KAT DEPAN MATA SO I TAK PAKAI DAH HP TUK ONLINE.

ok... i tau yang tangan i nih tersangat gatal nak online time keje.

iisshhhhh tangan nih memang lah!!

otak pon satu!!! ggrrrrr~!!!

OKEH! OKEH!!!

AFTER THIS I NAK JADIK PEKERJA YANG CEMERLANG, GEMILANG, TERBILANG pergh ayat pak lah...

tak moh dah emo time keje!!!

yang mamat tuh, tolong yeh! PLEASE LAH! don't disturb my brain while i'm working.

I AM DEAD SERIOUS NIH!!! aku dah buang kau jejauh pon kau pi datang balik!

LAGI PON KAU INGAT AKU TAK TAU IF KAU TAK DE NAK NGUMPAT PASAL AKU? HUHHH???? TOLONG LAH... KAU PUNYE MULUT PON LEH TAHAN GAK KAN...

so pas nih, kau tengok ah!

i will revive!!! I WILL!!!!

eeehhh terlebih semangat lak i nih! 

dah la... malam dah... nak titon dulu...

kai onii-chama, you know what to do :3

nak emo pasal dia lagi...

wawa unnie mintak i jangan majuk lame-lame ngan mamat tuh...

ekceli i sendiri pon tak tau...

i nih majuk ka, marah ka, benci ka, apa ka kat mamat tu...

ntah la, ntah la, NTAH LA...

but there's one certain thing i am about him...

TAWAR HATI...

because he's unreachable even we were that close...

okeh! biaq i mai cerita sket...

i rase yang ni agak mengejutkan sket la...

time i pi airport ari tu...

memang la i starstruck jumpa dia depan mata...

sape tak kan? KAN?

i folow dari belakang sebab nampak dia lagi jelas...

pastu i pon dok jerit-jerit nama dia cam mak ilang anak...

i pi kejaq dia cam separuh mati kat situ...

orang depan belakang dok tolak-tolak...

yang depa ni pon dok jalan cepat sangat pasai pa?

kapal tebang tu tak terbang dulu lah!

dia tau hangpa suma artist...

ok. sambung balik.

i tenung wajah dia...

i tak tau samade dia perasan i ke tak..

perasan la kot sebab i perasan yang dia pandang kat i balik...

tapi ade satu benda yang buat i rase tak senang ati pastu.

memang menyentap!

expression muka dia.

i tak penah cerita kan?

camna rupa dia time tu?

langsung tak senyum. and muka ade sikit ekk...

LANGSUNG.

moment tu la yang duk melekat sampai la ni kat dalam pala otak nih.

i tak tau napa dia tak senyum...

muka masam cuka ja...

maybe penat. ye lah.. jalan sana, travel sini...

perform non-stop berturut-turut...

artist la katakan..

but that... THAT makes me wonder...

ape yang tak kena?

ok. maybe fan mesia a bit aggressive kot time tu...

tapi i abaikan ja sebab i pikir dia penat ja..

tapi... start dari situ...

titik permulaan yang buatkan i rase cam drifting away from him...

tapi time tu i tahan lagi..

i cakap kat diri i... tak pa, tak pa.. sikit ja...

dia femes... biasela lau dia tu ekk sikit...

ekceli mase dulu-sulu *yang tak bape nak dulu sangat la* 

i dapat rase yang i and mamat tu cam ade psychic connection...

cam bodoh ja kan?

tapi tu yang i rasa...

cam i dapat rase ape yang dia rase, apa yang dia buat...

i ingat lagi i gila banyak tweet kat dia...

cam-cam i cerita kat dia..

bukan takat kasi perangsang ja 

*encouragement ye.. bukan yang satu lagi tu~*

i cerita pasal apa jadik kat i time tu...

pasai kerja i..

pasai bos i pon ade cerita kat dia..

pasai music yangi suka dengaq...

i penah recommended him to listen to MCR...

i pon kasi la utube link lagu-lagu MCR i yang suka...

tup-tup i ade terbaca satu interview article pasai dia lepas tu yang dia suka dengaq MCR.

i pon terkejut. betui ka mamat nih?

dia baca tweet aku ka?

pastu lau dia tweet benda sedih, awal-awal lagi i akan bersedih dulu..

cam tetiba i jadik emo before dia tweet sad stuff. 

cam weird kan?
ekceli banyak lagi... cerita yang bernyangkut-paut dengan action i pada hari ni when it comes to about him.
but i rase i cerita satu persatu...
kang fening pulak...

so sekarang...

dah lain...

seriously i rasa len sangat-sangat.

masuk tarikh ari ni dah lebih dua bulan i tak dengaq suara dia.

takat muka dia memang i ade tengok. hari-hari.

pasai kat dalam bilik i muka dia bersepah.

muka ja tak kasi kesan...

yang buat i sentap biasenya suara...

memang.

maybe i yang berubah kot...

perasaan i pada dia tak kekal... tak lama mane yang i sangke..

i ingatkan i can be forever in love ngan dia... 

but that's not gonna happen...

i penah nangis tiap-tiap malam pasai benda ni..

sebab i takut... i akan kehilangan dia lau feelings i dah berubah...

i penah cakap kat dia secara tak direct iaitu pada gambar. alah uols pon wat gitu gak kan?

"one day, i will no longer in love with you. one day i will eventually leave you. but i don't want that ONE DAY to arrive. ever"

and that ONE DAY finally came... un-warned... unexpected... it was sooner than i thought...

and now i dah tau the reason why... 

why i never listen to the band anymore...

i baru perasan *lol*

i nih peminat tegar rock music.

my definition of rock is upbeat, deep, heavy sounds of all the instruments...

guitar, rhythm guitar, bass, drums and of course vocals..

ok. seriously, before i kenal FTI, i kenal mamat tu jek... 

uols perasan tak i tak sebut pon name dia...

bile research pasal dia baru tau dia nih ade band..

memula ingatkan band dia nih cam kpop group len...

ala dance sana dance sini...

seriously i tak berapa suka dance-dance kpop nih...

mase i memula dengaq dia nyanyi adelah lagu dari cerita yang dia dok belakon tuh.

tu la first time i dengaq dia nyanyi.

pasal band dia, memula i memang tak sangka.

sebab dedulu i tak minat korean music sebab i tau deyall dance, pop music.

i tak minat and tak suka pop music.

tapi i penah dengaq nama band nih dulu.

just tak sangka mamat tu singer band nih...
sebabnye i tak pandang pon korean music nih. jauh sekali nak dengaq.

so after i research pasal band dia, i start listen to their music.

i said, "not bad... not bad..."

and lelame hooked up... but it wasn't that long...

tapi one thing about me, i nih jenis yang takkan lekat lame kat sesuatu benda. lagi-lagi if benda tu i rase makin lame makin membosankan...

tu la yang i rase pasal band nih sekarang...

so the sparks and joy about this band i rase kejap jek.

sebab i realized, it does not fit to my "rock" standard.

memang bagus kat korea ade band. patut kene ade banyak lagi.

but.. but... i nak kan sesuatu yang lebih lagi. cam lagi ganas kot.... lagi hardcore.

sesuatu yang membuatkan my heart beat faster than usual.

sesuatu yang membuatkan i akan head bang sampai kepala leh tercabut.

sesuatu yang membuatkan i have an adrenalin pumping. 

something like this....

i know... like what the fak man? what the fak?
tapi i lebih suke this kind of music...
and FTI doesn't reach this kind of stands?
ok. sorry if i offended you. moreover if people who reading this is a primadonna
but ni yang i nakkan...
dulu these stuff yang buat i happy.
lantaq pi la orang nak kata pa.
gila pa budak nih dengaq lagu-lagu camnih..
dok terhenjut-henjut cam tak betul...
pastu cam memuja-muja ja...
ok. part memuja tu tak de la.
but these keeps me ahead and moving forward.
i feel more energetic and active.
semangat. SEMANGAT tu penting.
lagu-lagu camnih i rase lebih bersemangat.
sambil dok goyang kepala, i rase lagi tenang.
pelik kan i nih?
and now i don't know if i ever wanted to listen the band... or rather listen to his voice.

hmm.... nengok... i cerita panjang lebar pasal mamat tuh lagi... orz
so... uols rase ape sebenarnye perasaan i?
majuk ka? marah ka? benci ka?



......

nilai diri

uols rase i ni camna orangnya?
gediks ka? ngada-ngada ka?
eh... same la tu...
poyo ka?
same lah gak kan? huhu~
melampau ka?
tak tetap pendirian ka?
perasan cam bagus ka?
emo gila tahap gila vavi ka?
*emo ke i nih??*
honestly, i nak tau pendapat orang dan penilaian orang len terhadap diri i...
i tau, i tak perfect...
in fact... nobody's perfect in this world...
everyone has his/her own flaws...
everyone make mistakes...
tang tu memang tak leh nak lari pi mana dah...

i rase cam pala otak ni serabut la...
cam-cam benda duk dalam nih..
rasa cam nak cuci kasi bersih..
disk cleaning...
nak format balik...
boley lagu tu?

ntah la...
semenjak dua menjak nih...
i rase cam everything is not the way it should be..
sume tak kena...
*eh, jap... rasenye dah cakap pasai nih kat entry lepas*
hmm... agak dah...
i memang dah kena sawan...
ok. official!
i dah tak betui dah...

WHEN I SAY IT'S OVER BETWEEN HIM AND I

ohoy!!! konnichiwa minna!!!!
ni pehal laks si princess ni tetibe cakap jepun laks??

hohohohhhhh... ape salahnye kan???
lame dah tak datang sini...
hmm... banyak yang dah terjadik...
since last entry.
so many things happens, occurred... to me especially.

semenjak dua menjak ni i asek emo jek...
tak tau nape..
sume tak kene.
tu tak kene. ni tak kene.
pastu rase cam nak lempang orang jek...
isshhhhh!!! hati ni panas jek...
ntah lah...
i'm feeling more lonely.
like i'm slowly fading away.
or rather people around me fading away...

oh ye.
last time. erm... bile i pon tak hengat tapi bulan ni gak.
FINALLY I'VE SAID IT.
I CONFESSED TO HIM.
I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING ABOUT WHAT I FEEL (ISSIT? OR THERE'S MORE?)
WHO?
well, kalau uols alert pasal i, uols akan tau secara otomatiknye sape.
yes. you're right. HIM.
uols leh rujuk entry-entry i yang lepas-lepas untuk keterangan lanjut.
*susah sangat rujuk tags untuk entry nih. senang kan?*
ape yang i cakap kat dia?
ermm... macam-macam gak...
erm... i rase i tak leh nak gi tau sebab THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND HIM.
tapi rasenye cam i mintak putus ngan dia.
*perghhh.... bukannye couple betul pon!*
nape i buat camtu?
sebab... sebab...
i pon tak tau nape...
but the most important thing is
I KENE BAGITAU DIA APE YANG I RASE SELAMA NI.
i cam dah rase terbeban sangat selagi i tak cakap dengan dia.
KALAU BOLEH I NAK CAKAP DIRECT JEK TAPI CAM LAH BOLEH KAN?
or.. should i send him a letter?
so dia boleh paham dengan lebih lanjut?
lagi pon , i gi tau dalam twitter.
ntah dia bace ntah tidak.
KALAU DIA BACE, I FEEL RELIEVED. SEBAB MEMANG I NAK DIA BACE.
KALAU DIA IGNORE....
MEMANG @!#$%^&*&^%$#@! SEBAB HE SHOULD AND MUST READ IT.
TAPI.. TAK PE LAH...
if he didn't read it...
lagi pon i dah tak kisah dah pasal dia.
lantak pi la dia nak wat pa.
i don't want to get involved, associated or even in touch with him.
*pffttttt princess ni marah ka pa?*
no... not marah... well, maybe... but...
how to put this?
i sendiri tak tau camna nak eksplen.
abih ayat dah nak kata.
YES I STILL FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER.
AND TIPU LAH LAU I CAKAP I TAK STALK TWITTER DIA.
AND I STILL HAVEN'T REMOVED HIM FROM MY PRIVATE TWITTER LIST.
IN FACT, DIA SORANG JA YANG I WAT LIST KAT TWITTER.
uols see, how f***king special mamat sorang nih?
and nape i dok cerita panjang lebaq pasai dia kat sini?

because... he still unable to be deleted completely from my life.
i nak jek tulih kat sini yang dia nih *beep*...
yang dia nih *beep*...
yang i *beep* dia...
yang... banyak lagi lah...
ha... tang *beep tu bukan mencarut tau...
just the words are quite harsh to be written here.
but yes, i write that to him.
and kat dunia ni hanya sorang ja i bagi tau apa yang i cakap kat mamat tu dalam twitter.
she's totally understandable... and in fact, she's the first person i ever talked to in twitter.
i banyak cakap ngan dia especially about that guy. our private convo in twitter... only us girls know.
if uols terase nape i tak share ngan uols, gomenne...
i nih jenis yang private and i'm a chooser.
i sendiri cakap ye yang i ni pemilih. i pilih sape yang worth knowing my secrets.
not everyone can know. eventhough that person is super close with me.
and not all worth my trust.
i can trust people. but i never trust any of them 100%.
even my own parents.
TAPI I TRUST ALLAH 100%.
and i think ape yang i buat nih walaupun i dummo if it's 100% correct but i feel more options are coming.
sejak i decided to forget him (well maybe not completely) i feel more... consistent?
i dapat focus kat work i. i rase cam tak terbeban dah kepala hotak nih..
i feel more organized.
tu pasai lah i lama tak mai sini. sebab i telah membusy kan diri i ngan work sampai la ni i dah tak tau nak wat pa sebab most work i dah settle \(^0^)/
if not... dalam pala otak nih tak dak benda lain nak pikir. asek mamat tu dok bersarang.
langsung tak leh nak konsentret!
pastu malam tadi...
i decided tuk buang sume gambaq-gambaq and video pasai dia dalam phone i.
sebab lau ada, i mesti rase sebak, nak nangis pastu mula la ilang arah, ilang fokus, ilang punca...
cam-cam lagi yang ilang...
i dah tak dengaq lagu dia dah. sora dia. muka dia adelah gak kenkadang i tengok. sebab dia ade tweet gambaq dia.
ha ye.
dia nak mai bulan depan.
tapi i tak pi.
wat pa? bazir duit and masa.
*sorry uols if my words are bit harsh. i'm pointing my opinions*
duit yang beratus tu baik i belanja shopping. like two days ago.
i berjaya *hohhohohhhh* beli sebuah beg kaler pink.
bagusnye ade kaler itam atau merah tapi tak dak pulak. orz
lagi pon i tak kisah la dia nak mai, tak mai.. lantak pi lah.
i know my dongsaeng nak sangat pi. and i penah janji ngan dia nak pi sama but JinAh dear, i'm so sorry.
i can't. i just can't.  *bows*
dah lah..
lagi i cerita pasai dia, lagi tak keruan i.
kang i jadik gila, masuk permai memang i nak saman dia.
*mentang-mentang lah hospital permai tu dekat ngan umah i!*

erm.. tu jek lah kot.
OK. BYES. XOXO
ah ye.
pas ni call i Risa yek. jangan lupe.
*cam japanese sket! hohohohhhh (^0^)/ *
Ija pon leh gak. memang tu nick name i.
but i just wanted to start fresh.
even twitter i pon i dah ubah username i.
takde dah nak menyangkutkan name dia ngan i dah.
cukup-cukup lah tu.
aishhh...
ok lah.
BYE-BYE ♥♥;

"uNmAnNeReD cUtE dRiVeR 4" - delayed post

"Hohohoho~~~ arini driver i anta i pegi keje ∩__∩
Tapi arini masuk 4 ari i tak sihat-sihat lagi.
demam tu dah kurang.
oh yes. two days ago, i memang puke! on the roadside pulak tu!
tapi mase tu dah tak tahan, tak pikir ape lagi dah.
pikir nak kuarkan "benda alah" tu dari dalam badan jek.
lagi pon dah naik sampai ke tekak.
seb baik x de orang.
erm... x de kew???
lagi 2 hari Kiki akan balik. memang tak sabar!
hopefully, i recover on that day! >__<
*sebagai isteri yang solehah, i kene lah jaga kesihatan diri. tapi lau dah sakit... oh, kiki, please make me feel better~~~ hong ki-sama~~~~~~~~~~~
so, back to driver i tadi.
usually, i akan usha dia dari naik sampai turun.
today, i cam mengelamun jek.
AND... ehem! i perasan yang dia asyik toleh kat i.
Hohohoho~~~ u risau kat i kew? muka i nampak sakit jek kan...?? kan? kannn???
Yes, dear. i tak sihat. thanks for sending me off to work. love u. muah."


Entry ni patutnye di post semalam. tapi atas sebab musabab yang uols tak yah tau, i post arini.
Hahahahahaha~~~~

"uNmAnNeReD cUtE dRiVeR 3"

wow! giler lame i tak menulis! SPIDERS! shooh shooh!
huhu~ banyak tau I nak story mory niey~
Opsss! waeyo tetibe cakap melayu plaks?
ᄏᄏᄏᄏ bukan ape. I rindu la tulis in malay~
tak pe kan? kan? kannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn???????
anyways, today memang i boleh dikatekan sungguh berpuas hati.
awatnya? tuuuuuuu~
tengok kat title kat atas.
ade nampak? ada? lau tak de maknenye dah tak lame dah tuuuu~
hari ni. time balik keje. memang unexpected langsung!
i ingatkan selama ni dia ngelak dari nak jumper i. ᅲᅲ
tau la... i ni qiut sangat... dia pon x tahan.. aww! >_<
i bajet memang dia pon tak expected yang i akan naik bas dia tadi. kah kah kah.
amik kau!
tapi kan..... yang paling tak tahan nye... my unmannered cute driver suda potong lambut liao!
manyak qiut wooo~ lagi comel pada mata i.
yeah.. yeah... i gila bayang. so what???
suke ati i la nak fangirling pada dia. (aww~ dia layak ke jadi celeb nak ade fan?
okay. i'm your secret admirer <3)
so sepanjang balik umah tadi i dok senyum ja.
memandangkan bas jam-packed, i leh usha dia kat rear view mirror jek. dpt tgk muka dia yang teramatlah qiut ngan rambut dia yang short cam budak sekolah~
tapikan, ade satu benda ja i tak suka.
adalah satu pompuan ni naik kat cosway.
dia naik bas my unmannered cute driver jek.
sebelum-sebelum ni tak penah laks i tengok dia naik bas metro no yang sama.
ikut time, memang sama ja masa balik tu.
anyways, back to this woman. (woman? WOMAN? bfffftttt)
dia mesti dok kat depan atau lebih senang lagi kat dash board.
i think kan, my driver tu saja nak jealous kan i!
lau orang lain , dia suh pi "MASUK DALAM LAGI!"
but, lau minah ni, langsung dia tak kata apa!
sedeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
ekkkkk~ miang gatai keladi dia nih! >_<"
tak pa. lau i jumpa bas dia lagi, memang i nak usha dia puas-puas!!!
lantak la dia nak kata apa!
i ni psycho ka, gila ka, I DON'T CARE! xPPPPP
lagipon, memang i dah perasan yang dia perasan i usha dia selama ni.







so..... "u nak jadik boyfriend i tak?"

Need You Now...

Seriously, I am madly,deeply in love with this man... he never fails to make me feel this way... say whatever you guys wants, tell me that it's impossible between us. yeah, it is, i know. i knew it all along but i can't contain my heart... and no one can stop that. sorry for being so soppy.. this is what's going on in my mind and i don't know whether it will stop. stop until my heart opens for a real man to come and steal it away from my Ki. and i'm not sure if i'm ready for a real relationship. i never been in one, i even confessed that to my Ki.. just to let him know.. desperate? yes. i am. desperately need his love.

he post his selca 4 days ago with his new hair! [the Dream Concert day] too cuteee!!! 

now, can you tell me why i shouldn't fell in love with him?

give me one good reason!

"uNmAnNeReD cUtE dRiVeR" versi HaTi teRBaKar!!!

haish! haish! haish!

gerams! benci! menyampah! bukan pada "my unmannered cute driver"... dia tak salah~ i benci, geram & menyampah kat diri i sebab i terlepas naik bas dia hari ni! huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~ kalau lah i dapat putar balik mase dan tunggu jek bas dia sampai, mesti arini dalam hati i ada taman~ tapi ini ari dalam hati ade panas! terbakar! hangus!

tapi nak dipikirkan, uols rase dia perasan tak yang i selalu usha dia bila dalam bas? kekeke XDD i rase dia perasan kot tapi as usual lah! lelaki akan berlagak macho depan pompuan~ ade peminat lah katekan... nak jek rase hati ni bagi "secret admirer letter" kat dia. tapi dok pikir, nak bagi time bila? bagi time naik bas, dah tentu si konduktor bas perasan (kalau konduktor nye cina a.k.a geng dia) melainkan konduktornye ade kat belakang, tapi orang yang dok depan pon perasan jugak. lau nak kasi time turun, orang lain pon boleh nampak punye! uhuk uhuk~ camne nih? patut kah i sacrifice diri sendiri bagi surat kat stop point dia? kat situ gerenti tak ade orang atau kurang orang.

sekarang i perasan yang "my unmannered cute driver" tu lalu depan umah i agak lambat. patut kah i sacrofice kan diri i ni jugak tunggu bas dia every morning? ??????????????

*lempang diri sendiri secara blind pork*

*cakap pasal surat, teringat kat abang drebar i. apelah kabar dia yek? En. Mohd Faiz, rindunye i pada u~ keke*

hari yang SUNGGUH! penat~

gila penat. tu jek yng boleh i cakap. ni baru jek balik dari kl. jalan-jalan kate orang... tadi pagi i pegi bayaq bill broadband i. pastu i pi jumpa member lame kat tempat keje i yang lame tu. dah lame tak jumpa depa... pastu i ngan dua orang mamber tempat lame i pi la jenjalan area bukit bintang. kitorang masuk shopping complex baru kat situ : Fahrenheit 88. okay okay jek lah. yang best kat situ butik UNIQLO jek. yang lain biase jek. style cam Times Square tapi i recommend Times Square lau nak pi shopping kat kl nih. banyak pilihan dan lebih murah.

shopping? i takdak shopping apa pon tadi. ntah lah. nafsu shopping tu tak keluar pulaks arini. mungkin sebab i dah terlampau penat. penat sebab i rase cam hampeh jek tadi! okay, meh i cerita. i nak pi bayar bill broadband kat pavilion. so i pon langsung jek ke sane sekali tengok kedai dg kat pv dah takdak! siyoooooot! nak tak nak  i terpaksa lah menapak ke the weld nak pi bayaq bill. lau dekat tak pa gak! lepas bayaq bill i singgah dunkin donuts beli iced latte nak hilangkan penat. tadi i bawak laptop sekali. kononnye nak online jap sementara nak tunggu member tempat keje lame i abis keje rupenye diorang balik kul 1 pm ini hari. *sigh~* sebabnye laptop i ni agak berat. i kene gendong sampai la balik umah.

tadi before balik kitorang pi makan kat mcD jap. lagilah hampeh! seat penuh tapi seb baik ade kosong gak. pastu datang lah segerombolan makhluk tuhan ni. dah la bising-bising. pastu dok nk usha-usha orang. *woi, lau muka korang tu hensem takpe jugak. pulak tu sebok ngate orang. balik umah bace buku peksa lagi bagus lah! konon nak mengayat!*

seb baik lah sebelah kanan i tu ade dua mamat cina hensem. takdak lah hot sangat tadi (i & kak zila biasenye panggil cina-cina hensem SUJU~ kekeXD)

"uNmAnNeReD cUtE dRiVeR" 2

hari ni i dapat jumpe "my unmannered cute driver" tapi dalam acara jarak jauh saja TT_TT sebabnye i tengah tunggu bas balik umah time tu. kebetulan opposite bustop ade bas metro. i pon tengoklah kot-kot metro 30. memang kot nye betul! pulak tu "my unmannered cute driver" pulaks tu~

sedey jek sebab dapat tengok sisi dia dari jauh! dari jauh jek! i pon text lah colleague, kak zila pasal "my unmannered cute driver" tu~

"akak, driver cute tu~ tp dia brenti dpn the weld T_T"

"dpt tgk pon kira ok la ye. asal xwat isyarat sruh dia tunggu.. hehehe"

"tulah... dpt tgk dr jauh jek.. sedey nye... T_T tp lau naik dr dpn the weld bas tu pi mne x tau lh sbb dia dr umh ija pastu kotaraya pastu dia pusing blk kat rja chulan pastu x tau dia ikut jln mne"

"hai xpela dpt tgk dia puas2... last baru suruh dia anta kat umah.. hahahaha"

"hehe~ bgus lah idea! apsal lh x pikir td? huhu~"

memang i langsung x terpikir nk wat camtuh! memang lah bas dia akan pusing balik ke umah i just dari kl i tak tau dia lalu ikut mane tapi tu tak de masalah kan? kan? kan?

lepas nih i nak try lah! "my unmannered cute driver", tunggu i okay!©©©

"uNmAnNeReD cUtE dRiVeR"

i bukan nak say buh-bye kat abang driver i. *dear abang driver, u still in my heart* tapi dalam satu bulan ni *bulan feb* i tak naik lrt pi kerja sebab i tak topup touch-n-go i. so i kene naik bas jek. seb baik 1a bas jek ke raja chulan *location opis i - exact location : rahsia~* sejak i start naik bas pagi-pagi nih, i selalu bertembung dengan "unmannered cute driver* ©©©

kenapa unmannered?

sebab dia bawak bas memang tak sopan langsung! keke~ bawak cam nak merempit, pastu suka tail-tagging bontot kete lain. tadi pagi (4.3.2011) dia boleh pi langgaq kon polis kat tepi jalan area bukit bintang. i yang duduk depan adelah saksi! pastu dia leh pi bantai gelak pulaks! hahaha~ memang tak sopan langsung!

kenapa cute?

sebab dia memang cute. ok fine. some poeple maybe cakap : "cute?! hang buta ka pa? CINA lagu ni hang kata cute?! nak mampuih kot hang nih!" ok so what? i suka! lantak i lah! haha! i akan pastikan lau i naik bas cute driver ni, i akan duk depan no matter what. target : seat yang menghadap driver of coz! ok fine. i memang lebih 'ter-cair' pada leng chai dari mamat melayu. mamat melayu i pandang second. keke~ *tak sopan betul i nih~* ok fine. maybe others akan cakap CINA tu langsung tak cute. tapi pada mata i dia cute! i suka cara dia pegang stereng bas *ni dah masuk ketegori STALKER nih~ ish ish ish!* cam tak cecah jek tangan tu dengan stereng. pulak tu jari-jemari dia yang runcing lagi panjang... ah~ i memang dah jatuh hati. kira tangkap cintan lah nih~ tiap kali i naik bas dia akan perhatikan saja dia~ i tak nampak dia punya full face melainkan i tengak kat rear view mirror tapi tengok dari tepi pon dah cukup wat i rase nak nangis~ *ooh~ cik ija dah gila meroyan niih~*

ok. suda. suda. lagi tulis lagi gila bayang i dibuatnya. cukup lah tu.

oh ye, CINA "cute driver" ni bawak bas metro no 30. if uols lucky dapat lah jumpa dia. i jumpa dia tiap pagi jek *tak hari-hari, ada nasib dapat jumpa T_T*

rasenye lepas ni i tak naik lrt dah pi kerja kowt~ kekeke~ MEMANG TAK SOPAN LANGSUNG!

T_T lagi~

arini takdak tutorial belajar bahasa korea. i takdak mood.

pagi tadi ingat boleh jumper my "unmannered" cute driver lagi sebab dah naik bas dia sekali yang bawak bas tu orang lain. cilakee jek.

tadi pon ingat nak pasang berukband ni kat opis. memang beruk pork sangat! tak dapat pasang sebab pc opis pakai user guess.

i nak menyendiri.

sayang i pon takdak nak pujuk i.

nangis dulu lah T_T

*hong ki~ meh la datang pujuk i nih~*

surat untuk abang drebar part 2

ogos, tahun 2008

kehdapan abd drebar jln intan 3, Assalamualaikum...

sy harap awk x terkejut bila dpt surat ni. mesti kalau kwn2 awk yg jumpe surat ni ckp awk ade secret admirer. ermm... kawn2 awk tu betullah *agaknye~* mesti awk tertnye2 kan sape lah yg kasi surat ni kat awk. ok lah. anggap lah sy ni secret admirer awk.

actually seblm ni ade stu lg surat yg sy nk bg kat awk tp x kesampaian. sebabnye sy segan. sy x tau nme awk & sy gelarkan awk abg drebar sbb sy slalu nmpak awk bwk kete proton saga lme kaler putih.

sekarang ni dah msuk sem 5 dah kita. oh lupe, sy jugak student poli cm awk. kita x sme dept tp sme batch. sy jrkv & awk mekanikal.

1st of all, cmne ngn practical awk? ok x? sy ok. best time prctical aritu. sy prctical kat kl. pelik sbnarnye. sy dok jb tp nk prctical kat kl. sy pon x tau nape sy x crik tmpt prctical kat jb. alamat prctical ni pon sy crik kat pej latihn industri ngn member2 sy. kitorang dah blur nak crik tmpt prctical so kitorang pon g lah kat pej tu. tetibe sy terpndng stu notis kat message board. pulak tu tmpt prctical tu sy thu tmptnye so sy trus jek kompem ngan org yg nak amik bdk prctical tu.

spnjang sy prctical, ari2 sy dok pikir cmnelah keadaan awk. ok ke x? tp mestilah ok kan. sy rse cm cpt tul mse berlalu. tup2 dah kne blk poli blk. tp sy pikir ok gak. mesti dpt jumpe awk blk.

start sem bru ni sy dok umh sewa bru kat intan 2. dulu sy dok intan 5. sme cm awk. tu psllah sy leh tau kewujudan awk kat poli. klau sy x penah nmpk awk, sy rse sy takkan gila byng kat awk *oppss.. ter-confess plk...* sy amik mse yg agak lme utk crik kedudukan umh bru awk. eh, cmne sy tau awk dh pindah? sbbnye sy ade gak ronda umh lme awk tp org lain yg dok situ. so sy agk lah mesti awk dh pindh umh jugak. mula2 sy ptus harapan. mesti dh x dpt jumpe awk lgi. kalau ade tuah sy terjumpe awk kat poli. tp poli besar n awk mesti x de nak round2 kat area jrkv kan. sy pikir maybe kita x de jodoh. lgpon time ni sy tgh bz ngn report l.i. sy pikir awk pon sme. so sy pikir utk x memikirkan psl awk wat sementara waktu.

lps 2 bln blk poli ni sy rse cm x cye jek. sy nmpk awk dpn mte. mse tu sy bru blik dr klas ngn member umh sy. stlh sekian lme, akhirnya sy nmpak kelibat kete proton saga putih awk tu. awk park kete awk kat umh dpn skali kat jln intan 3. sy berbisik dlm hati. ni ke umh dia? apsal slame ni aku x penah nmpak pon. sadis kan. mmg pon awk dok situ & slame ni sy x nmpak. memula cm x caye. so mlm tu sy sje ronda ngn member nk kompemkan ape yg sy pikir kan. btullah! dia mmg dok umh ni. sukenye hati sy mlm tu. skarang sy tau awk x jauh dr sy. mlm tu sy tdo smbil senyum.

mesti awk ingt sy ni x siuman @ pon stalker ble bce surat ni kan. x malu betul minah ni. gedik. mengada-ngada. sy x kisah ape awk nk pikir. sy x blh halang awk utk pikir apepon. awk nk anggap sy apepon sy x kesah. aiman x kisah *cam dlm iklan tu...* tp kalaulah sy memberanikan diri sy utk bg srat sy sy plan nk kasi kat awk dulu, mesti kita dh jadi kwn skarang. x pon couple. sy sentiase bygkan kalau lah kita jdik couple, sy lah org yg plg happy dlm dunia ni. & sy akn jdikan awk org yg plg happy dlm dunia ni jugak. (statement x blh blah sy. jgn marah ye. sy ni kuat berangan) sy mmg ikhlas nk couple kwn ngan awk. klau jodoh kita hnye sbgai kwn sje & x lebih, sy terima seadanya *mengharap jugak sy ni. segan ah~*

tp sy tau, srat ni jugak akan mengalami nasib yg sme cm surat yg lepas. x kan smpai ke tgn awk. x pe lah. biarlah sy sorang jek yg bce surat ni bkali2 smpai surat ni jadik pekasam.

ok lah. kalau awk ade bgi tindak blas, maknenye surat ni mmg sy ade kasi kat awk. *tp mmg x kan kowt*

yang ikhlas ingin berkawan,

gadis jln intan 2



ni surat kedua yg sepatutnye I bagi by hand kat abang drebar. tapi tak kesampaian jugak. sebab I segan sangat-sangat nak approach abang drebar tu. dari segi luaran dia memang tak nampak friendly. sirius jek muka. tapi tu lah yang membuatkan I terpikat kat dia... hai la nasib~

*gatal betul I neh~ sabar je lah noks!*

Tak Luak Pon?

setelah sekian lama balik umah naik bas, arini tetiba dengan rasa suka hati nak balik naik mono + tren. tapi, ade kesan sampingan kalau naik benda alah ni untuk balik. kesan sampingannya adelah meng-short-kan duit I... huhu~ dah la pagi tadi bikin kecoh kat bank. ekceli, takdak kecoh pon, I je yang wat-wat kecoh ngan diri I sendiri. ni sume salah staff utara lah! terpaksa I tebalkan muka tunggu officer bank untuk betulkan keadaan. pulak tu accountant faveret I ade pulak, lagilah segan.. (Vincent, I nak wat personal loan dengan U boleyy?) pasal dia gaji I tak settle lagi! sedeh taw! dah berapa haribulan ni?! berapa lama lagi I nak hadap sandwich jek time lunch? lepas ni memang kurus lah I! huh huh~ mulut... x de insurans ke nokks? anyway, berbalik pada topik sebenar. tetiba arini I rasa nak memboroskan diri. walaupon sedar duit dah makin mengecil nilainye. pagi tadi breakfast nasi goreng lauk paru sambal. tengah hari nasi campur kat mamak (u all tau lah kan harga mamak berapa..) balik pulak terbang 4 ringgit untuk tambang teksi... kira-kira belanja hari ni lebih rm10. wah... camni bankrupt I. tak yah wat brankrupcy search kat insolvensi pon dah boleh declare...

hmm~ tak pe lah... tak luak pon duit I tu... 

*menangis depan atm lepas ni~*

if I ade boyfriend, part balik umah tu takde masalah kowt? abg drebar~

Chinese Couple :: Jealous Maa...

Tadi on the way balik umah as usuallah I balik naik bas. I duduk tak jauh dari pintu keluar. dan cam biase jugak lah ari ni bas penuh... dalam I tengah syok layan feeling sorang-sorang (tak tau nape...) I ternampak ade satu chinese couple duduk tak jauh dari seat I. yang girl tu boleh tahan cute but yang boy tu... ehemm... tersangatlah... HANCUTE (handsome + cute, boleh gitew?)

So sepanjang perjalanan balik tadi I dok peratikan saja depa... mestilah yang I ushar itu boy.. tak kuase I nak usha girlfriend dia.. hehe~

I tengok je gerak-gerik depa. tak sure kalau depa perasan yang I tengah usha depa. boyfriend tu memang boleh lepas lau jadi artist ala-ala korean gitew. so the entire ride I terasa jealous tengok depa mushy-mushy berdua. depa tak delah wat PDA (Public Display of Affection), just pegang-pegang tangan jek... so very romantic... 

*SAKIT HATI..~*